A Child's Ultimate Bedtime Torture Guide



For more on this delightful subject,
check out "Go The F**k To Sleep."



Is this you? After a full night of "sleep" in 2 hour time blocks, I'm woken up by a small voice shouting at me to "Get up, get up!" My blankets are ripped off me and the entire bed. Then - and this part is new - a shining flashlight is aimed directly into my just opened eyes.

What's next in this house... waterboarding? I've got dreams for my kids, but they don't include them becoming Guantanamo prison guards. Nonetheless, this seems to be where it's all going, at least at ages two and four. In an attempt to become wise to their ways, I've compiled a list of their top tricks in order from bedtime to sunrise. I suspect some of these may sound familiar to you, my fellow tortured Parents...

A Child's Ultimate Bedtime Torture Guide

10. The Refreshment. "I want some water. I want a snack." Repeat 20 or more times, immediately upon mention of bedtime. Prolong the inevitable so The Parents get no "free time" at end of their "busy" day.
9. One More Book. Always ask The Parents for another book, even if you've already looked at twenty and are really more interested in picking your nose and wiping boogers on the headboard or wall.
8. Hide-The-Pillows. Remove all pillows from the adult beds and have them hidden in some undisclosed location in the house, not to be found until morning. Daddy will fall asleep with his head perched pecariously on a stuffed panda bear. So silly!
7. The Two A.M. Potty Run. Never to be done alone for FEAR OF THE DARK. Now is always a good time to turn on the very bright bathroom light and wake up your little sister.
6. The Sniffle. Sniff, wait two minutes, then sniff again. For optimal annoyance, repeat frequently throughout the night. Offers of a tissue by The Parents to actually blow one's nose should be ignored. May also be substituted with The Dry Cough.
5. The Thrasher. Flail about in the big bed (works best when between The Parents) like a fish out of water. Never ever SETTLE DOWN. Ever.

4. Rib It. Upon falling asleep in The Big Bed, thrust your foot into Mommy's ribcage at 3 a.m. Gotcha!

3. The Silent Stare. The Parents will wake up with the weird feeling they're being watched... and they are, by you!. Stand quietly next to the big bed, breathing two inches from Daddy's face until he wakes up very startled. Smile.

2. The Sugar Cube. Throw The Parents off their game by sweetly saying "I love you" after being awake from 3-4 a.m.

1. Scare 'Em Up. Crank The Parents' clock radio alarm to it's highest volume so it scares everyone in the house half to death when it goes off at 5:30 a.m.

I think I'll have some amnesty with my cup of morning coffee. Now, please.

Give That Shower Head a Bath

See this picture? My shower head was getting all scaly and white from hard water deposits - you know the icky stuff I'm talking about, right? Well, I found a great, organic way to clean it up in no time. Fill a baggie with white vinegar and tie it up around your shower head so it fully soaks for 24 hours. Remove the baggie, give it a light scrub with a small brush, and all those white crusties will come right off. Who needs Lime-Away? Good trick (thanks Martha Stewart for this one).

Oh, and don't forget for yourself - or to tell your significant other - that there's a bag of vinegar hanging from the shower head because if you turn the water on, it's going to blast it right off. Just sayin'... that could happen.

What Belongs on Your Kitchen Counter Top?

A clean counter top can feel like the impossible dream in a house with small kids (and now, around here, grandparents too). That said, I really can't stand to have my kitchen overrun with STUFF. So here's my time-tested list of what I've found to be helpful to have out, full-time, on the kitchen counter top. The rest is what you should stow away.

 

No more than 2-3 appliances! My favorites are:
A toaster or toaster oven - Let's face it, people like toast. Keep the crumb tray cleaned out regularly and the outside surface wiped down.
The coffeemaker - Caveat: this should be out only if you're drinking coffee daily. If it's only used occasionally, like that espresso / latte machine you got for your wedding but never use - put it in the cupboard.
KitchenAid Mix Master - This thing looks too cool to put away and it weighs a ton. Nice to have it out if you bake regularly.

 

Your knives -- and right next to them, your favorite cutting board.
My rule: keep together what you use together. Your knives could be displayed hanging from a magnetic strip or in a butcher block. (I like knives stored in a drawer too, but with my little ones that's just asking for trouble. Gotta keep 'em up high.) I like my big wooden cutting board (not for meat, though!) right next to my sink so I can chop and just swipe the leftover veggie tops and such in the sink. Other plastic cutting boards are stored under the sink so I can pop them out as needed.

 

Cooking utensils (spatulas, wooden spoons, etc.) you often need to grab.
I like to keep the wooden spoons together in their own little jug so they look like more of a collection, and the metal stuff in it's own container. Ceramic pitchers or wooden boxes are great catchalls for these and add a little style.

 

Salt shaker & pepper mill
I only keep my big salt and pepper shakers out on the counter by my stove. All other spices are in two drawers next to the stove, laid flat, organized A-Z . I've had spice racks before, and while they can be pretty, I found them mostly to just be dusty space hogs (they never hold all the spices I use anyway). If you need a bit more than S&P out, a cake stand can look pretty for the spices you want out but up off the counter top.

 

Bowl of non-refrigerated fruit / veggies
Some stuff just can't go in the fridge. Bananas, onions, potatoes, garlic... I usually keep these in a big ceramic bowl or two on the counter top. Hanging baskets are nice for these items too.

 

Paper towels.
You may have this hanging from a rod or on a stand.

 

Hand soap dispenser
I like a glass dispenser or something prettier than the plastic bottles you get at the grocery store. In a pinch, peel off the ugly labels. I've had dish washing soap dispensers out in the past, but I just have that under the sink now. One less thing that needs to be out.

A dish to hold your sink's sponge / scrubber.
A pretty dish is nicer and neater than having your sponges and the like perched on the edge of the sink.

Optional: A plant 
A little greenery (a herb pot or two) is always nice.

Optional: A laptop
What's more practical than having a computer in your kitchen to surf the web / look up recipes / check your Facebook / etc.?  Thanks to my laptop, all my cookbooks have found a new home on a shelf in my pantry, out of sight.

Optional: Charging station
We've got the land line phone, cell phones, iPods and a Blackberry to juggle around here. I like a charging station to keep the cords corralled and handy. The only rule though is that the charging station can't become a dumping ground for spare change, nails, golf balls, receipts, and whatever else you've got in your pockets.

So here's a short list of what's NOT on my counter top these days:

• The microwave - It hangs above the stove
• A breadbox - Loaves, bagels, etc. are stored on a dedicated shelf in the pantry.
• A cookie jar - Cookies get stale in jars. Put them in Tupperware or ziplocs and in the cupboard (having a "snack shelf" can keep them top of mind). 
• Cookbooks - see Laptop section above! 
• Extra cutting boards
• Lots of spice jars 
• Storage jars - Pastas, flour, sugar, etc. go in the cupboard. These decorative jars can be nice, I just have a small kitchen.
• A dish drying rack - A rimmed cookie sheet and metal rack do great when something needs to air dry. Better yet, use a towel and put those dishes away.
• Bottles of cooking oils - I used to have olive oils and the like out for a handy drizzle here and there, but I really just find them to be a sticky goo magnets and it is just as practical to have them tucked away in a dark pantry near by (where oils keep better anyway).
• Bills, paperwork and the mail -  This one is hard to do, but you just gotta commit to having no stacks. Be ruthless and throw stuff out, file away, scan into your computer, and read mail immediately when it arrives.
• Bottles, cans, boxes and anything that needs to be recycled - Get a dedicated trash can for these items and stow them until garbage day. 
• Food processor / blender - Do you use it very regularly or just like looking at it? The former is fine, the latter is not. Put it away and use it when you need it.

I know a clean(ish) counter top is a challenge for everyone. I'd love to know what works well for you - every house is different.