A Child's Ultimate Bedtime Torture Guide



For more on this delightful subject,
check out "Go The F**k To Sleep."



Is this you? After a full night of "sleep" in 2 hour time blocks, I'm woken up by a small voice shouting at me to "Get up, get up!" My blankets are ripped off me and the entire bed. Then - and this part is new - a shining flashlight is aimed directly into my just opened eyes.

What's next in this house... waterboarding? I've got dreams for my kids, but they don't include them becoming Guantanamo prison guards. Nonetheless, this seems to be where it's all going, at least at ages two and four. In an attempt to become wise to their ways, I've compiled a list of their top tricks in order from bedtime to sunrise. I suspect some of these may sound familiar to you, my fellow tortured Parents...

A Child's Ultimate Bedtime Torture Guide

10. The Refreshment. "I want some water. I want a snack." Repeat 20 or more times, immediately upon mention of bedtime. Prolong the inevitable so The Parents get no "free time" at end of their "busy" day.
9. One More Book. Always ask The Parents for another book, even if you've already looked at twenty and are really more interested in picking your nose and wiping boogers on the headboard or wall.
8. Hide-The-Pillows. Remove all pillows from the adult beds and have them hidden in some undisclosed location in the house, not to be found until morning. Daddy will fall asleep with his head perched pecariously on a stuffed panda bear. So silly!
7. The Two A.M. Potty Run. Never to be done alone for FEAR OF THE DARK. Now is always a good time to turn on the very bright bathroom light and wake up your little sister.
6. The Sniffle. Sniff, wait two minutes, then sniff again. For optimal annoyance, repeat frequently throughout the night. Offers of a tissue by The Parents to actually blow one's nose should be ignored. May also be substituted with The Dry Cough.
5. The Thrasher. Flail about in the big bed (works best when between The Parents) like a fish out of water. Never ever SETTLE DOWN. Ever.

4. Rib It. Upon falling asleep in The Big Bed, thrust your foot into Mommy's ribcage at 3 a.m. Gotcha!

3. The Silent Stare. The Parents will wake up with the weird feeling they're being watched... and they are, by you!. Stand quietly next to the big bed, breathing two inches from Daddy's face until he wakes up very startled. Smile.

2. The Sugar Cube. Throw The Parents off their game by sweetly saying "I love you" after being awake from 3-4 a.m.

1. Scare 'Em Up. Crank The Parents' clock radio alarm to it's highest volume so it scares everyone in the house half to death when it goes off at 5:30 a.m.

I think I'll have some amnesty with my cup of morning coffee. Now, please.