A Child's Ultimate Bedtime Torture Guide



For more on this delightful subject,
check out "Go The F**k To Sleep."



Is this you? After a full night of "sleep" in 2 hour time blocks, I'm woken up by a small voice shouting at me to "Get up, get up!" My blankets are ripped off me and the entire bed. Then - and this part is new - a shining flashlight is aimed directly into my just opened eyes.

What's next in this house... waterboarding? I've got dreams for my kids, but they don't include them becoming Guantanamo prison guards. Nonetheless, this seems to be where it's all going, at least at ages two and four. In an attempt to become wise to their ways, I've compiled a list of their top tricks in order from bedtime to sunrise. I suspect some of these may sound familiar to you, my fellow tortured Parents...

A Child's Ultimate Bedtime Torture Guide

10. The Refreshment. "I want some water. I want a snack." Repeat 20 or more times, immediately upon mention of bedtime. Prolong the inevitable so The Parents get no "free time" at end of their "busy" day.
9. One More Book. Always ask The Parents for another book, even if you've already looked at twenty and are really more interested in picking your nose and wiping boogers on the headboard or wall.
8. Hide-The-Pillows. Remove all pillows from the adult beds and have them hidden in some undisclosed location in the house, not to be found until morning. Daddy will fall asleep with his head perched pecariously on a stuffed panda bear. So silly!
7. The Two A.M. Potty Run. Never to be done alone for FEAR OF THE DARK. Now is always a good time to turn on the very bright bathroom light and wake up your little sister.
6. The Sniffle. Sniff, wait two minutes, then sniff again. For optimal annoyance, repeat frequently throughout the night. Offers of a tissue by The Parents to actually blow one's nose should be ignored. May also be substituted with The Dry Cough.
5. The Thrasher. Flail about in the big bed (works best when between The Parents) like a fish out of water. Never ever SETTLE DOWN. Ever.

4. Rib It. Upon falling asleep in The Big Bed, thrust your foot into Mommy's ribcage at 3 a.m. Gotcha!

3. The Silent Stare. The Parents will wake up with the weird feeling they're being watched... and they are, by you!. Stand quietly next to the big bed, breathing two inches from Daddy's face until he wakes up very startled. Smile.

2. The Sugar Cube. Throw The Parents off their game by sweetly saying "I love you" after being awake from 3-4 a.m.

1. Scare 'Em Up. Crank The Parents' clock radio alarm to it's highest volume so it scares everyone in the house half to death when it goes off at 5:30 a.m.

I think I'll have some amnesty with my cup of morning coffee. Now, please.

Give That Shower Head a Bath

See this picture? My shower head was getting all scaly and white from hard water deposits - you know the icky stuff I'm talking about, right? Well, I found a great, organic way to clean it up in no time. Fill a baggie with white vinegar and tie it up around your shower head so it fully soaks for 24 hours. Remove the baggie, give it a light scrub with a small brush, and all those white crusties will come right off. Who needs Lime-Away? Good trick (thanks Martha Stewart for this one).

Oh, and don't forget for yourself - or to tell your significant other - that there's a bag of vinegar hanging from the shower head because if you turn the water on, it's going to blast it right off. Just sayin'... that could happen.

What Belongs on Your Kitchen Counter Top?

A clean counter top can feel like the impossible dream in a house with small kids (and now, around here, grandparents too). That said, I really can't stand to have my kitchen overrun with STUFF. So here's my time-tested list of what I've found to be helpful to have out, full-time, on the kitchen counter top. The rest is what you should stow away.

 

No more than 2-3 appliances! My favorites are:
A toaster or toaster oven - Let's face it, people like toast. Keep the crumb tray cleaned out regularly and the outside surface wiped down.
The coffeemaker - Caveat: this should be out only if you're drinking coffee daily. If it's only used occasionally, like that espresso / latte machine you got for your wedding but never use - put it in the cupboard.
KitchenAid Mix Master - This thing looks too cool to put away and it weighs a ton. Nice to have it out if you bake regularly.

 

Your knives -- and right next to them, your favorite cutting board.
My rule: keep together what you use together. Your knives could be displayed hanging from a magnetic strip or in a butcher block. (I like knives stored in a drawer too, but with my little ones that's just asking for trouble. Gotta keep 'em up high.) I like my big wooden cutting board (not for meat, though!) right next to my sink so I can chop and just swipe the leftover veggie tops and such in the sink. Other plastic cutting boards are stored under the sink so I can pop them out as needed.

 

Cooking utensils (spatulas, wooden spoons, etc.) you often need to grab.
I like to keep the wooden spoons together in their own little jug so they look like more of a collection, and the metal stuff in it's own container. Ceramic pitchers or wooden boxes are great catchalls for these and add a little style.

 

Salt shaker & pepper mill
I only keep my big salt and pepper shakers out on the counter by my stove. All other spices are in two drawers next to the stove, laid flat, organized A-Z . I've had spice racks before, and while they can be pretty, I found them mostly to just be dusty space hogs (they never hold all the spices I use anyway). If you need a bit more than S&P out, a cake stand can look pretty for the spices you want out but up off the counter top.

 

Bowl of non-refrigerated fruit / veggies
Some stuff just can't go in the fridge. Bananas, onions, potatoes, garlic... I usually keep these in a big ceramic bowl or two on the counter top. Hanging baskets are nice for these items too.

 

Paper towels.
You may have this hanging from a rod or on a stand.

 

Hand soap dispenser
I like a glass dispenser or something prettier than the plastic bottles you get at the grocery store. In a pinch, peel off the ugly labels. I've had dish washing soap dispensers out in the past, but I just have that under the sink now. One less thing that needs to be out.

A dish to hold your sink's sponge / scrubber.
A pretty dish is nicer and neater than having your sponges and the like perched on the edge of the sink.

Optional: A plant 
A little greenery (a herb pot or two) is always nice.

Optional: A laptop
What's more practical than having a computer in your kitchen to surf the web / look up recipes / check your Facebook / etc.?  Thanks to my laptop, all my cookbooks have found a new home on a shelf in my pantry, out of sight.

Optional: Charging station
We've got the land line phone, cell phones, iPods and a Blackberry to juggle around here. I like a charging station to keep the cords corralled and handy. The only rule though is that the charging station can't become a dumping ground for spare change, nails, golf balls, receipts, and whatever else you've got in your pockets.

So here's a short list of what's NOT on my counter top these days:

• The microwave - It hangs above the stove
• A breadbox - Loaves, bagels, etc. are stored on a dedicated shelf in the pantry.
• A cookie jar - Cookies get stale in jars. Put them in Tupperware or ziplocs and in the cupboard (having a "snack shelf" can keep them top of mind). 
• Cookbooks - see Laptop section above! 
• Extra cutting boards
• Lots of spice jars 
• Storage jars - Pastas, flour, sugar, etc. go in the cupboard. These decorative jars can be nice, I just have a small kitchen.
• A dish drying rack - A rimmed cookie sheet and metal rack do great when something needs to air dry. Better yet, use a towel and put those dishes away.
• Bottles of cooking oils - I used to have olive oils and the like out for a handy drizzle here and there, but I really just find them to be a sticky goo magnets and it is just as practical to have them tucked away in a dark pantry near by (where oils keep better anyway).
• Bills, paperwork and the mail -  This one is hard to do, but you just gotta commit to having no stacks. Be ruthless and throw stuff out, file away, scan into your computer, and read mail immediately when it arrives.
• Bottles, cans, boxes and anything that needs to be recycled - Get a dedicated trash can for these items and stow them until garbage day. 
• Food processor / blender - Do you use it very regularly or just like looking at it? The former is fine, the latter is not. Put it away and use it when you need it.

I know a clean(ish) counter top is a challenge for everyone. I'd love to know what works well for you - every house is different.    

Tangled Re-mix: "I've Got A Mommy Dream"

I found myself at the park the other day humming the song "I've Got A Dream" from the movie "Tangled." At what point can you turn that stuff off? But then I realized, my dreams were much different than the ones in the movie. Rapunzel wants to escape her tower, find the floating lanterns and true love. I want something much different... more basic.

So for all you Disney movie watching moms out there, this one is for you.

I'VE GOT A MOMMY DREAM

Mama One:
I'm a stay at home house fairy
My looks could curdle dairy
And after changin' Pull-Ups, my hands are not the cleanest
But despite my haggard look
My dirty clothes and kiddie gook
I've always yearned to be The Perfect Mommy
Can'tcha see me using words that are always happy?
Tickling kids toes with eyes in a delightful gleam?
Yep, I'm okay being called smelly
For my blue cheese appetizer medley
Thank you!
'Cause way down deep inside
I've got a dream

Mommy Chorus:
She's got a dream!
See's got a dream!

Mama One: See, I ain't as scatter brained as I seem!
Though I do like kids really high night fevers
You can count me with those 8-hour dreamers
Like everybody else
I've got a dream!

Mama Two:
I've got scars and lumps and a tummy jiggle
Plus arms that sometimes do a solo wiggle
And let's not even mention my dull complexion
But despite my badly chipped toes
My raggedy jeans, and my toddler's runny nose
I really want to make a love connection
Can't you see me on a date with my hubby
Rowin' in a rowboat down the stream?
Though I've got permanent baby weight angst
I want love, not Spanx --
'Cause way down deep inside
I've got a dream
I've got a dream!

Mommy Chorus:
She's got a dream!

Mama Two: I've got a dream!

Mommy Chorus: She's got a dream!

Mama Two:
And I know one day romance will reign supreme!
Though my kids only hear me screaming
There's a hot mama in me, dreaming --
Like everybody else
I've got a dream

Mommy Chorus:
Every neighbor will think you are a florist
TV shows will cover your home design
Your carpools will run like clocks on time
Moms rave about your cupcakes sublime
Sweaters are only hand-knit
You darn socks, even sew
Throw neighborhood puppet shows

Mama One: I'll even rescue three racetrack greyhounds!

Mama Three: I have dreams, like you -- no, really!
Just much less touchy-feely
They mainly happen somewhere
warm and sunny
In a blessed no kids zone
Tanned and rested and alone
Surrounded by issues of VOGUE and DVDs of "Sex in The City".

Mama Four:
I've got a dream!

Mommy Chorus:
She's got a dream!

Mommy Four: I've got a dream!

Mommy Chorus: She's got a dream!

Mommy Four:
I just want to feel as young as Miley Cyrus seems!

Mommy Chorus: Yeahh!

Mommy Four:
And with every passing hour
I just want to take a shower --
Like all you lovely folks
I've got a dream!

Mommy Chorus: She's got a dream!
She's got a dream!
We've got a dream!
We've got a dream!
So our diff 'rences ain't
really that extreme!
We're one big Mommy Team...!
Call us Tired --
Frazzled --

Mama One:
Housework Allergic--

Mama Two: We're really not that Out of It

Mommy Chorus: 'Cause way down deep inside
We've got a dream!

Mama One:
I've got a dream!

Mama Two:
I've got a dream!

Mommy Chorus: I've got a dream!
I've got a dream!
I've got a dream!

Mommy Four: I've got a dream!

All: Yes way down deep
inside, I've got a dream!
Yeahh!

A Crafty Card Keeper

I've been keeping the greeting cards my children receive (baby shower, first birthday, holidays, etc.) by throwing them willy nilly in a box in the closet... you know, with the thought that someday I would know what to do with them. So when I ran across this cute Card Keeper craft in the April issue of Family Fun magazine, I thought a.) this is something I could easily do and b.) it looks like a great way to turn all those cards into a nice keepsake.

To get started, cut two sheets of card stock slightly larger than your biggest greeting card - this is your front and back cover. Next, two-hole punch the cover sheets and decorate with some patterned paper and a picture (I used Picasa to add the text on my photo). Then two-hole punch your greeting cards and thread them together with a pretty ribbon. One nice bit about this card keeper: you can always untie the bows to add more cards to the back and it fits all sizes of cards. Crafty and cute.

That Fascinating Royal Touch

William and Kate... need I say more? I couldn't possibly be more excited about the Royal wedding this coming weekend. In that spirit, I wanted to blog about something that would get one in the mood for the ceremonies. In a previous post I mentioned Princess Diana's favorite perfume shop, Penhaligon's. Love it still. But for this wedding, let's update... and what better than with a feather hairpiece: the fascinator. Kate Middleton has been a UK press darling in her custom-made pieces (see here), but you can pick up your own scaled down but still fit-for-a-princess headwear. This black feathered clip with gilded chunky jewels (thank you H&M) looks great next to a side-swept ponytail or worn high, like a little hat. The feathers just meld to the shape of your head... simply divine, like a little bird gone aloft. An uncommon touch you can wear to feel a bit royal any day.

Keeping House Like a Hotel

Nantucket Island as seen by NASA

Reprinted from a newsletter article I wrote in Sep. 2010 for the MOMS Club of Monrovia.

A lifetime ago I had a job that was a bit like boot camp for being a stay at home mom. I was a chambermaid at a historic bed and breakfast inn on Nantucket Island. During high season, I cleaned 10 bedrooms and baths as well as common areas every day... in addition to helping serve breakfast for a house full of guests. What I learned that summer was what it means for a house to feel hotel perfect -- neat, tidy and ready for company to drop in. It may not always be the truth, but sometimes the illusion is half the fun. So in that spirit, here are a few of the cleaning and organizational tips I picked up from "the back of the house" while picking up after everyone else.  

Unbox and unwrap paper products before you store them. The goal is that everything should be immediately ready to grab and use. Take toilet paper rolls and paper towels out of the plastic they come in immediately when you get them home, then store them in your cabinets. My favorite chambermaid secret: store your clean trash bags in the bottom of your trash can. Just toss a big handful in the bottom underneath the bag currently in use. Then when it's time to empty the trash, you just remove the old bag and -  voila! - open up the new bag sitting right there. This is an awesome time saver.

Quick wipe downs are your secret weapon. Don't do a heavy duty clean when a wipe will do just fine. I love Clorox wipes, or just spray with Windex on everything and use a paper towel. If you do only one thing in your kitchen and bath, wipe down your faucet and fixtures and the inside of the sink (that's where your eyes go first). If you want it to look super clean, after you wipe it down, dry off the faucets and the sink bowl with another clean paper towel to catch any spots and oddball grime. It sounds like overkill, but drying your sink after you clean really looks good.

Run the shower or fill the tub with hot water before you clean it. Surfaces clean up faster when not cold. Same rule works for a really dirty pan you're trying to clean. Put some water in it and heat it up on the stove top. Baked on gunk will scrape come right off.

Work from top to bottom and always go in a circle. Going once, thoroughly around a room means you're not hopping all around wasting time and forgetting places. In your bathroom, spray your mirrors and counter tops with cleaner. Then wipe down your mirrors, then your counter tops, then the cabinets. The floor is last - always. If you're dusting, grab a Swiffer cloth (like one you would use for the floor) and go around the room in a circle. 

Keep your cleaning supplies together where you use them. If you can't store cleaners safely in your bathroom out of the reach of your the kids, then put together a maid's bucket with all the supplies you need so you can grab it and take it to the room where you need it. What cleaners do you really need? A multipurpose bathroom cleaner spray (e.g. scrubbing bubbles), Windex, and Comet. For tools, a small dustpan and brush, a roll of paper towels (or can of wipes), a scrub brush, a toilet brush, and an old toothbrush for the little corners. That's it. 

Give yourself a time limit when you clean. Maybe it's a daily 10 minute limit, but set a time and stick to it. Why? Because truthfully, you could clean your house all day. When I had 10 bedrooms to clean by myself before noon, I had to keep up the pace. When the time is up, stop and resume doing whatever it is you really want to do. And for goodness sakes, if it's not dirty - don't clean it.

Keep your linens the same color. White is always right. But so is all black. Or all of any one color you choose. The point is that if all your sheet sets and towels match, there is always something quick to grab that will match with whatever is already hanging up in the bathroom or on the bed. Why remake the whole bed when it's just the pillowcases that need changing? Finally, when your linens get ratty (and you know the ones I'm talking about here), banish them to the rag drawer and buy new ones. Preferably, all the same color as the ones you already have.

There is a right and wrong way to hang your towels. Think "display." Avoid hanging towels from towel bars by just folding them in half vertically. Fold your towels in thirds vertically, and then in half, and then in half again over the towel bar. If that's too much work, use hooks instead of towel bars and don't worry about when guests (or kids) make them all askew. 

Clear the clutter before you clean. Grab a trash bag and run through the house and do a 5 minute pickup. Before you vacuum, pick up what's on the floor first.  One thing that will make your house always look tidy is to have a rule that the dining room table is not a dumping ground. Keep it cleared off when not in use and ready for the next activity. 

No dirty dishes sitting around. At the inn, guests were always leaving coffee mugs, dirty plates and the like out in common areas - as such it was always important to pick them up immediately and get them out of sight (especially if the kitchen is visible to guests). Pop them in the dishwasher right away or in a big stock pot. If you must soak, do it only for an hour or two. Plus, it's true that dirty dishes in the sink do get dirtier. Not only that, using a sink with dirty dishes in it causes bacteria to spread all over the the surrounding sink and counter tops. Yuck.

Keep basic handyman tools in the house.  One flat head and one Phillips head screwdriver, a hammer, and your measuring tape should always be a step away (I keep mine in a tub under the kitchen sink) . Otherwise you gotta walk out to the garage / basement to even think about fixing something and that's one extra step you might not take. 

Good luck keeping your spaces and places clean!